Keep Walking

I've not written for so long, just realized it. And, in English. 

I was busy with what I called "living" in the past couple of months, and again, at a crossroad. Met a friend last week to talk about it. Deep down, I knew I was looking for support and confirmation on the road I tried to lead. He has been walking on his for number of years, I was asking for guidance. 

Despite of my busyness, I'm starting to shape my goal (though inspired by this friend of mine after last week's meeting). I slowly form the solid image in mind, and start walking down the path. I'm also glad that, I've started to do serious Chinese translation of English works, whenever I could. What I mean of "serious translation" is the translation from workplace, not at my blog site. It feels great to see the accomplished pieces, as it is a job that closed to my heart.

I know, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to keep on walking. And, He will always be with me. 

 

形象

好久沒有寫些東西了。 不是沒有感觸﹐ 只是把注意力放到另兩個部落格里。 昨天剛好又和好友出來﹐ 談了好多東西﹐ 才想要寫下來。 

最近很積極地在做形象上的調整﹐ 因為過去的三年﹐ 真的很汗顏。 有人不介意﹐ 加上懶﹑ 身邊的人也不打扮種種理由﹐ 差點就穿睡衣上班。 現任老闆非常講究穿著﹐ 雖然他沒開口﹐ 我倒常介意站在他的身邊得不得體。 所以趕快惡補。 去年學了化妝﹐ 前陣子買了李昀著的<<做自己的形象顧問>>﹐ 最近買了<<美白漂亮 這樣吃才對>>﹐ 都是為了找出適合自己的儀態。  上星期在朋友的宴會里出了醜﹐ 穿錯衣服﹐ 真想立即離場。 瀝瀝在目﹐ 非下功夫不可。 

看了李昀所寫的書﹐才發現原來不是所有的顏色都適合自己。 我以前是個喜歡什麼顏色的衣服就買的人。 看了她的分析﹐ 再回 想自己最近試衣﹑買衣的經驗﹐ 才領悟到有些顏色穿在自己的身上﹐ 真的不能看。 弄懂了之後﹐ 毅然把不適合自己顏色的衣服﹐ 放到回收袋里﹐ 準備送人。 以前會覺得可惜﹐ 會放一陣﹐ 結果總是沒有再穿。 朋友也提示﹐ 以後買衣可以找個朋友一起﹐ 方便給意見﹐ 就不會出現後悔的情況。 

好形象的改變﹐ 不但會有眼前一亮﹐ 也會增強自信心。 

接下來考慮的是﹐ 該不該換髮型...  哈!

某一天

最近很忙﹐  其實是好事。可以暫時忘掉憂慮。終於告一段落了。

可是在下個忙之前﹐ 我又被焦慮襲擊。 你剛病癒﹐看到我的電郵後﹐ 立即回覆﹐ 還在第二天早上打電話給我。 我並不善於被你逮個正著﹐ 支吾著。 你笑一笑﹐ 把話題轉移。 我想了一整天﹐ 才在晚上回覆你。 是封較短的電郵﹐ 不太像我。這次我知道﹐ 我只會在第二天早上才會收到你的回信。 果然! 只是這一次你把字放大了些﹐ 也寫了一封短信給我。 

這一天沒什麼事﹐ 我提早回家。 非常有耐性地開車。 聽著輕快的歌﹐ 嘴裡雖跟著唱﹐ 臉上仍沒有笑容。 我突然想到﹐ 你是我如今唯一能夠安心訴說的對象。可能是因為你能明白﹐ 因為你也曾經歷。 才這麼一想﹐ 臉上就浮現了會心的一笑。 以前以為好朋友不過如此﹐ 遇到你才發現所謂的“知己”﹐ 應該是這樣的。

真要謝謝你﹐ 你真的感動了我。 我也明白我在某程度上﹐ 也曾感動過你。 我們是平起平坐的。 又想起你不久前給我的一篇短文﹐ 道盡你的心思。 我當時看了以後說﹐ 我覺得那是一篇對話﹐ 像是我和你對說的一段話。 (有機會﹐ 我會翻譯在此)

記起表姐曾在fb連載這首歌﹐ 是我喜愛的Rob Thomas﹐ 其中一支較新的歌。 我知道﹐ 這才是你一直很想說的...... 

SomeDay

"Someday"

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

[Chorus:]
And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone

[Chorus]

And I don't want to wait
I just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

[x2]
Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

水

很久沒有寫點什麼了﹐ 一來是電腦有問題 (剛修好)﹐ 二來是不想用英文寫。 結果就拖到現在。 

很多年都沒有一個朋友可以談心 ﹑ 聊些哲理的想法﹑ 或給我一些有意義的忠告。 所以這些年也就活在很表面的生活層次上。直到最近提起勇氣寫些生活感想給一位新認識的朋友﹐ 沒想到竟然得到回應。 而且還是很高層次的想法。也許我應該這樣說﹐ 因為他的經驗比我多﹐ 很多。 

我們談到工作﹑ 理想﹐ 發現原來有很多共同點﹐ 可以互相助對方達到目的地。 這久違的感覺﹐ 突然像泉水不斷涌出﹐ 掩蓋了整片大地。 雖然只是用電郵的方式聊﹐ 卻讓我們不知不覺地更深一層的了解對方。

他告訴我﹐ 他經歷過被別人欺騙﹑ 被盜取﹑ 被利用及安排﹑ 被踐踏﹐ 發現人性最醜陋﹑ 最黑暗的一面。 當對方想要得到你擁有的﹐ 可以不擇手段。 得到了以後﹐ 想盡辦法把你剔除。 若無法剔除﹐ 他們會把你釘死。 因為對方無能﹑ 因為妒忌﹑ 因為貪... 

他把這些經歷歸類於生命的一部份﹕ 被推倒了﹑ 自己站起來﹑ 拍去塵﹑ 擦去血﹑ 忍著痛﹐ 繼續走下去。 我們都相信﹐ 這世上好人還是比壞人多。 生命可以漂亮﹐ 當你找到屬於你自己的神秘花園。 就像雨﹐ 浸透每一個角落 - 河流﹑ 溝渠﹑ 土地﹐ 直到它找到它安心的目的地。 所以你看到河流﹑ 湖泊﹑ 甚至隱藏在地底下最清澈的井水。 

我想你了解我所要說的﹕ 是在於找到屬於自己層次﹐ 就像水找到它的層次後歸為的靜止。 生命也一樣。 

02/08/2010: Turning Point - August

Dear Father, 

10 years, as you said, to some people it's a long time. To others, it is short. At the sunrise age, 10-year is nothing. At the sundown age, 10-year is an achievement, as you don't know how many more 10-year you could go... 

I was surprised of your message last Saturday when I greeted you. Well, maybe it was because you seldom talked about your belief. You said, He carried you more than you realized all these years. Your wish was to become His servant and nothing more. I'm glad to hear that, really glad. 

Remember I called you up once during work? I asked you about His sign. You replied the same, as what others had been telling me so far. I asked Him to let me stay for another week or two, as I just started to discover something and I wanted to find out more. I didn't really want to make a harsh decision. Actually, I have a mixed feeling towards this decision. On one hand, I was glad I did wait, as I found something that led to my passion. On the hand, I saw the  ugliest side of this whole situation I was in then. I thought I had been immune of this whole thing about disappointed-with-a-human-being, but my feelings were far more hurtful than I expected. I had trouble sleeping at night, no appetite, and the negative cycle just continued by itself. 

I've been trying very hard to put a stop of all these negative feelings. Am still trying. At least now I can eat and eat well. The sleep will eventually pick up, I think. 

August is a turning point. I know from this month onwards, I will become better and better, both physical health and mental health. 

You too, Father, please take good care of yourself. Will pray for you. 

God Bless.