禮物

我們曾談過﹐ 你說﹐ 相信祂的愛﹐ 是一件禮物﹐ 不是一項專權。 不能收藏﹐ 只能記著。 

當時的我很沮喪。 因為我感覺不到祂。 我在停車場的時間越來越少﹐ 字句像隨著時間流失﹐ 找不到話說。 距離感很強﹐ 非常惆悵。 跟你提起﹐ 你當時就說﹕ 相信祂愛你﹐ 即使你感覺不到愛。 

很難對沒有信仰的人說﹐ 祂愛你。 難以理解﹐ 如何去證明祂愛你? 我們常要看證據。 經過這些年﹐ 像我曾與你提起的﹐ 我開始看到這些”證據“。 我必須承認﹐ (哈!) 祂在過去很努力地要與我”對話“。 當我第一次去心靈營時﹐ 祂終於有機會 ﹑ 在沒有任何干擾下﹐ 一一向我證實祂在何時何地讓我能夠”認識“祂。 我當時很驚訝﹐ 當祂一一揭示﹐ 我看到﹕ 祂把我從那間大學轉到這間大學﹔ 祂讓我認識這些對我很好 ﹑ 很熱情的人 -- 都是天主教的教徒﹔ 祂帶我去禮拜﹐ 而我並不感到不安或冒犯*﹔ 然後祂讓我與天主教徒墜入愛河﹔ 最後﹐ 祂引導我透過RCIA認識祂... 這不是巧合﹐ 這是已被安排的。 

祂要我接受這份禮物﹐ 這份你曾提到的﹐ 祂的愛。 我第二次去心靈營時﹐ 神父要我們了解這份愛﹐ 學習如何與祂相愛。 在學習的這些日子里﹐ 我開始領悟到﹐ 我不再孤獨。 世界上不再只剩下我﹐ 我還有祂。 祂一直在我身旁 ﹑ 一直伴著我﹐ 像我可以隨時和祂分享即時的快樂和興奮的事。我從來不曾感受過... 很新鮮。 更驚訝的是﹐ 我非常享受這種感覺。 

相信祂的愛﹐ 是一件禮物﹐ 不是一項專權。 我不能收藏它。 

我只能記著。 我相信我會一直記著﹐ 直到我的生命走到盡頭。 






*冒犯﹐ 是因為去某些教會時﹐ 不能認同牧師所說的﹐ 有時會有被冒犯的感覺。 

The Gift

We talked about this some time ago, and you told me, to believe in His love, is a gift. It is not a "right". I can't store it, I can only remember it. 

I was quite upset about myself back then. I couldn't feel Him. I spent less time in the car park in most of my mornings. I felt as if I was running out of words to talk to Him. I felt the distance, and I was despair. Then I turned to you. And you told me this: believe He loves you, even when you don't feel loved. 

It is hard to tell a non-believer that, He Loves You. It is hard to believe. Where is the proof? We always want to see the "proof". After all these years, as I told you before, I began to see where were and are the "evidence". He has been, (hahaha...) I must say, trying very hard to show me all these years. My first retreat was a major event for me, as He finally had a chance, without distraction, to showed me when and where He tried to "talk" to me in the past. I was, of course shocked back then. As He revealed them, I began to see: He brought me to this university from another university, He led me to meet these nice people were all Catholics, He also brought me to church once and I didn't feel uncomfortable or offensive, then He led me to fall in love with a Catholic, finally, He led me to know Him through RCIA... These are not coincidence, they are planned. 

He wants me to receive this gift. This gift you mentioned, His Love. In my second retreat, Father urged us to learn about His Love, and to fall in Love with Him. I started to learn that I'm not alone. The world is not just me, all by myself. I have Him. And He is always, always by my side. Even when I don't notice it, He is always right next to me. It is, as if I can turn to share whatever happy and excited moments I just received with Him right there and then. I never have this experience before... It is new, and to my surprise, I feel great about it. 

To believe in His Love, is a gift. It is not a “right", I can't store it. 

I can only remember it. And I know I will remember it, until the end of my life. 

19/07/2009 : Faith

Dear Father, 

Thought of "Faith" today. I started to have faith in Him after my first retreat. I started to believe in Him, trusting Him in certain way and be my guidance of my life. The more I pray to Him and believe in Him, I realize, He reveals more and more to me. Therefore, I believe more and more in Him. It is like a cycle: 

        me ---> Him                   Him ---> me                        me ---> Him 

           (pray)                             (reveals)                             (believe) 

It strengthens the whole relationship. I remember a non-Christian friend told me once, her Christian friend thanked God after finding a parking lot closed to the entrance/exit in a shopping mall. My friend laughed at it, thinking it was a merely coincidence. After I became a Christian, I believed what her friend's belief. It was because her friend BELIEVED God would help her to get the space, and she really did FIND the space. 

Nowadays I believe it too. I say a simple prayer before I do certain thing, especially I need His Grace and Mercy to guide it. I also ask for guidance when comes to decision making. I will ask Him to guide me to the choice which He thinks will be best suited me (I learnt it from the article of an interview to a Catholic Taiwanese artist). I trust Him to guide me the way I will be most comfortable in, I will be best living in, and I will thank Him for that choice. Amen. 

I can't stop thinking of faith increasing as the weeks go by. This is certainly unexpected when I re-journey, Father. And now I'm looking forward to mass, and to the class after that every Sunday. I'm sure you are glad to hear this... ^_^ 

God bless.